In my last in-depth post I discussed love. This will be a continuation of that post for what I am planning to be a three-part series of posts focusing on love, honesty and instinct.
Honesty. In the grand scheme of life and relationships, honesty has extremely high value. Honesty allows us to learn about one another and ourselves through sharing, support one another, and get some of that hidden information into the ‘arena’ (see Johari Window ) to allow us to build relationships. Honesty is that shiny little charm that gets lost in the pocket rubbish that makes up the ‘games’ we often find ourselves playing in relationships–the pocket being the relationship (where did this metaphor come from?). I’m in my early thirties now and over the last handful of years I’ve tired of these games. What’s the point of them anyway? It all goes back to protecting ourselves by not giving away too much. But really, in the end it’s all a waste of time and energy–whatever will be, will be [que sera]; and sometimes whatever would have been you’ve ruined because of your stupid pocket-rubbish games.
So why am I talking about honesty in relation to love? Because this was the succession of my inner rationalizations for my decisions: Love – ride or die, Honesty – part of ride or die because being honest is riding. Translation: If I wanted to get love, I needed to give it regardless of what might happen. Remember the story I told about sharing my deep feelings for someone via a Christmas card? Let’s go back to that–I’ll start by telling you what happened next:
In a fit of desperation for answers or any kind of understanding I began googling things like, “What to do if you love someone and they don’t love you back”, or “what to do if you profess love and don’t receive it back”. Maybe you find this silly, I am ,in fact, chuckling about it right now. But honestly, since when is love realistic or rational? It’s not. It never has been, and damn it, it never will be. Why? Because we are all prone to chaos. And by ‘we’ I mean all the molecules in the universe–more on that later.
Back to my feverish google search–I found an article about sharing love and it talked about the two reasons people share love: 1) To receive love (wrong reason) 2) Simply to share it (correct reason). Basically, if you share love with the intention of it being reciprocated and aimed back at you, you are sharing it selfishly and that often puts pressure on the receiver. Whereas, if you share love simply to give it in all its light and glory with no expectation, you are sharing it selflessly, which often will prompt love to naturally come back to you.
So, I reflected on my intentions. Initially, I’d like to have believed they were selfless, I had told myself ‘at least he’ll know’ and ‘he can do with it what he wants’–but that’s not true, is it? I waited around to hear something back and I was wallowing around in the weight of that silence. Obviously, wrong intention–definitely selfish. So I made this decision with the intention of being honest in order to open a door. Whether that door led to a reciprocation or nothing at all, I was unsure, but there’s no denying I had hope for the former. You can see the dilemma here. I fished that shiny charm out of my pocket and gave it away, only to receive some pocket lint in return. Dishing out the pocket rubbish seems like a much better situation, right?
Right. Wait, no! We ride or die for love. Let me repeat that: WE RIDE OR DIE FOR LOVE. Fuck the pocket rubbish–honesty at all costs! So where do we find some solace in defense? Pocket protectors of course. And by pocket protectors, I’m referring to instinct. Continued in the third and final installment of love, honesty, & instinct naturally titled, ‘instinct’.